Hebrew the Elf

How did I not think of this until now? To counter-act the Goy Toy "Elf on the Shelf," one more magical creature in my life. "Hebrew the Elf" comes each night bringing worry and a guilt! He leaves poor marks on previously graded papers--making the 95 into a 59!!! Hebrew strews torn pages of dirty magazines throughout the house, sticky notes on them...gross. Spilled bong water on the carpet. Pictures of you in a green dress. Skid marked underwear. Facebook updates of you kissing your sister...gross. Or this could be renamed "Older Brother the Elf." It's coming folks, believe it.

Get some!

Hockey is back in Orlando for next season. The ECHL. If you want to know the hum of white ice, the slap of the puck, the banging of the boards, go see some live hockey. Plus, men fighting on ice. Like an obscene acid trip of Sesame Street Live on the frozen pond. Thank you hockey Gods!

Beantown Chronicles

Boston Mass. DO: wear a jacket, drink a beer, eat Italian, go to a live sporting event, turn on the heat, get a free hug, get liberal, get cultural, swear in another language, listen, drink another beer, laugh.

DON'T: wear shorts, complain that it's cold, forget your hat & gloves, drive a car, whine (that's lame), eat that chowder without cooling it off first, shower outside, dance on fire, worry.

Oh-Vee-dough Lil League

Baseball ready...baseball ready.

Nikki Beautiful Broitman

Sometimes a picture says three words and not 1,000. This picture says the three words I think about when I think of my wife. 10 Years of Beautiful and many more. The life you lead is shaped by the choices you make--make them beautiful. I love you Trikki Nikki.

--Tattoo Jed

Occupy Oviedo

Too many people have come to this sleepy celery town. Raise your voice, put down your remote control and occupy Oviedo. Leave the comfort of your living room behind and experience the wilds of Broadway Street and State Road 434. Or not.
I'm mad about a great deal, so just stop buying everything then. Grow your own veggies, raise some chickens, milk your own cows. This is not an Arab Spring or an American Autumn, this is a "White Fall" followed by a "White Sale." Gear up for the holidays and buy more shit. If you do occupy Oviedo, see if the good people at the Baptist church are intersted in letting you crash at their tax free digs. Good luck, Oviedians, keep it "White" out there.

You're Out!!!

An open letter to baseball. Just stop being so boring. Play a 30 game season. Mandatory bean balls and bench clearing brawls. Electric fences will keep those pesky fans and players at bay. Timed game, 2 hours, no matter where you are, done. Pitcher gets 15 seconds to reset and throw. Once a game, a base explodes (IED style). You don't have to tag out, you're also allowed to bean a player out, kickball rules. Stupid fans are allowed on the field but are subject to police dogs being launched on their ass. 4 drink minimum for 21 and older (With proper ID of course). Cheerleaders, lots and lots of braless cheerleaders.

City City Bang Bang.

This week I'm covering Lewis Mumford and "The City in History." This is all I need to say about that: If she is well-to-do, she is surrounded with electric or electric devices that take the place of flesh and blood companions: her real companions, her friends, her mentors, her lovers, her fillers-up of unlived life, are shadows on the television screen, or even less emobodied voices...

Turn it off. You.

Wash it out.

Margo has taken to spitting at school. Not sure where, not sure how, not sure why. Yet, I'm sure she did not like the soap I made her put in her mouth today. Super clean mouth certainly means super clean morals right?

Kindness as greatness.

I've been taught a great deal in my life. However, it's kindness that goes the deepest. Kindness never asks for recognition, it simply sips warm cocoa by the fire rubbing toasty toes together. Kindness is greatness. My Mother-in-Law is greatness. Bless you sweet lady.

Not okay with this. Never will be.

Come in through my window

The name is incorrect. There is a 100% rate of injury. It has caused me to miss watershed moments of friends and family. Each fall, I crack my window open

and let football sneak into my bedroom--we get naughty for the next 5 months. Come February, I take a well needed shower and ask football to rest and recover and don't forget where I live. My window is cracked open...

School is in.

School has changed. Stop trying to compare what is no longer "comparable." Real school happens during those quiet one-on-one moments when the child asks the horrible. They will ask, "What does BullShit mean?" Now you can either deliver the bullshit fresh and pungent, covered with glassy skinned green and yellow poop flies. Or you can stop the bullshit and throw back your head, laugh and tell them the truth.
"Most everything is bullshit sweetie, you can turn it into fertilizer to grow more flowers, or get it stuck in creases in your sneakers--choose the former."

Got time to lean, got time to clean.

This weekend is my 20th High School Reunion from Lake Brantley High School in Altamonte Springs, FL.
The following are all the job titles held after that time: Flower Nursery Picker, Salmon Canner, Assistant Plumber, UPS Package Runner, Production Assistant, Professional Improvisational Actor, Commercial Film Sales Rep, Account Executive, Internet Sales, Creative Ad Specialist, Sales Manager, Teacher, Industry Outreach Rep, Cruise Boat Sales, Resturant Manager, Disc Jockey, Technical Writer, Proposal Specialist, Planning and Capacity Manager, College Professor. Husband. Dad.

I've been busy doing stuff, but I still love all of you (even if I forgot to tell you so).

Irene so Mean

Hurricane names that are not on the list but should be. J'Marcus. Schlomo. Buffy. Dontavian. McSorely. Shameka. Yuri. Sanchez. Kareem. Adolf. Yes, these are not in alphabetical order, because who really cares when they come--it's just important to "getoutda way!" Stay safe out there Earthings.

Food Trucks

The Food Trucks have come to town. Eat at them. Get out of your house, sweat more. Remind yourself why you live here. Find the Oviedo Mall tucked away and open your mouth for some goodness. Yup, you are sweating behind your knees. Yup, your T-shirt is really a sweat rag. Wait in line. Order the thing you think you'll hate, it will hate you back so hard you'll love the new taste of hate. Tell them I sent you. Then tell me how it mucking was. www.thedailycity.com