Hebrew the Elf

How did I not think of this until now? To counter-act the Goy Toy "Elf on the Shelf," one more magical creature in my life. "Hebrew the Elf" comes each night bringing worry and a guilt! He leaves poor marks on previously graded papers--making the 95 into a 59!!! Hebrew strews torn pages of dirty magazines throughout the house, sticky notes on them...gross. Spilled bong water on the carpet. Pictures of you in a green dress. Skid marked underwear. Facebook updates of you kissing your sister...gross. Or this could be renamed "Older Brother the Elf." It's coming folks, believe it.

Get some!

Hockey is back in Orlando for next season. The ECHL. If you want to know the hum of white ice, the slap of the puck, the banging of the boards, go see some live hockey. Plus, men fighting on ice. Like an obscene acid trip of Sesame Street Live on the frozen pond. Thank you hockey Gods!

Beantown Chronicles

Boston Mass. DO: wear a jacket, drink a beer, eat Italian, go to a live sporting event, turn on the heat, get a free hug, get liberal, get cultural, swear in another language, listen, drink another beer, laugh.

DON'T: wear shorts, complain that it's cold, forget your hat & gloves, drive a car, whine (that's lame), eat that chowder without cooling it off first, shower outside, dance on fire, worry.

Oh-Vee-dough Lil League

Baseball ready...baseball ready.

Nikki Beautiful Broitman

Sometimes a picture says three words and not 1,000. This picture says the three words I think about when I think of my wife. 10 Years of Beautiful and many more. The life you lead is shaped by the choices you make--make them beautiful. I love you Trikki Nikki.

--Tattoo Jed

Occupy Oviedo

Too many people have come to this sleepy celery town. Raise your voice, put down your remote control and occupy Oviedo. Leave the comfort of your living room behind and experience the wilds of Broadway Street and State Road 434. Or not.
I'm mad about a great deal, so just stop buying everything then. Grow your own veggies, raise some chickens, milk your own cows. This is not an Arab Spring or an American Autumn, this is a "White Fall" followed by a "White Sale." Gear up for the holidays and buy more shit. If you do occupy Oviedo, see if the good people at the Baptist church are intersted in letting you crash at their tax free digs. Good luck, Oviedians, keep it "White" out there.

You're Out!!!

An open letter to baseball. Just stop being so boring. Play a 30 game season. Mandatory bean balls and bench clearing brawls. Electric fences will keep those pesky fans and players at bay. Timed game, 2 hours, no matter where you are, done. Pitcher gets 15 seconds to reset and throw. Once a game, a base explodes (IED style). You don't have to tag out, you're also allowed to bean a player out, kickball rules. Stupid fans are allowed on the field but are subject to police dogs being launched on their ass. 4 drink minimum for 21 and older (With proper ID of course). Cheerleaders, lots and lots of braless cheerleaders.